The weather sucks. That’s really all you can say about January. If December is an orgy of celebration, then January is the hangover. There’s nothing but grey skies, snow, sleet and Valentine’s Day candy, which everyone knows is the lousiest of all the candy holidays.
But the worst thing about January is the cold. It’s as bitter as a divorced middle-aged man. It gets into every little nook and cranny of your house like roaches. It forces you to spend half the day moisturizing so your lips and skin don’t split open like a body snatchers pod. It’s every bad thing you can think of rolled into 31 days of “suck-it-you-warm-blooded assholes”. Even little kids, with their high tolerance for dirt, bugs, Kidz Bop CDs and other awful things, hate the cold January days.
However, if there’s one activity people can enjoy anytime and anywhere, it’s complaining. If it exists, we’ll complain about it. We even complain about complaining. With temperatures dropping faster than Bill Cosby’s pants, now is the time to put those skills to the test.
Sure, you could just say things like “It’s (adjective) cold!!”, but try to be a little more creative. Make a few pop culture references; depending on your generation you could compare the outdoors to Ice Station Zebra, the planet Hoth, or Arendelle. Challenge your friends to an “it’s so cold” contest in the spirit of “yo mama so fat”, then whip out a knife and demand they cut their finger so you can test their blood for alien shape shifters. Sound crazy? Get used to it, because it’s a long way until spring.
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