Check Out My New Digs!

DanaSan's Brain Stew has a new address!  Feel free to browse my earlier work, back when I was younger and testing the waters.  It's kind of like looking at an old high school yearbook minus the embarrassing haircuts.  When you're done stop by my new and improved website. Don't worry if you're in your underwear and/or drunk, we're not formal here: https://danasansbrainstew.com 

Don't Stop Believin'

Hi all!  I know it's been awhile since I posted but I am working on some big changes with my blog, my writing career, and my life.  Details are forthcoming but for now please enjoy my latest Pulitzer-worthy piece of journalism at AbsrdComedy: http://www.absrdcomedy.com/2015/02/23/naturalization-test-to-include-drunken-rendition-of-dont-stop-believin/

Your Guide to Early Retirement

My monthly comedy article has been published, just under the wire!  Please enjoy and share with your friends, family, acquaintances, pets, and the cute cashier at the grocery store who is way too young for you but old enough for you to fantasize about without getting all weirded out. http://www.absrdcomedy.com/2015/01/30/man-retires-35-money-saved-fancy-coffee/

A Fun Thing To Do In January

The weather sucks.  That’s really all you can say about January.  If December is an orgy of celebration, then January is the hangover.  There’s nothing but grey skies, snow, sleet and Valentine’s Day candy, which everyone knows is the lousiest of all the candy holidays.  

But the worst thing about January is the cold.  It’s as bitter as a divorced middle-aged man.  It gets into every little nook and cranny of your house like roaches.  It forces you to spend half the day moisturizing so your lips and skin don’t split open like a body snatchers pod.  It’s every bad thing you can think of rolled into 31 days of “suck-it-you-warm-blooded assholes”.  Even little kids, with their high tolerance for dirt, bugs, Kidz Bop CDs and other awful things, hate the cold January days.

However, if there’s one activity people can enjoy anytime and anywhere, it’s complaining.  If it exists, we’ll complain about it.  We even complain about complaining.  With temperatures dropping faster than Bill Cosby’s pants, now is the time to put those skills to the test.

Sure, you could just say things like “It’s (adjective) cold!!”, but try to be a little more creative.  Make a few pop culture references; depending on your generation you could compare the outdoors to Ice Station Zebra, the planet Hoth, or Arendelle.  Challenge your friends to an “it’s so cold” contest in the spirit of “yo mama so fat”, then whip out a knife and demand they cut their finger so you can test their blood for alien shape shifters.  Sound crazy?  Get used to it, because it’s a long way until spring.

The Final Countdown

Merry Day-Before-Christmas-Eve everyone!  I know we're all very busy shopping, cooking, and surfing the internet while ignoring our loved ones, so I'll keep short and sweet like a miniature candy cane.  My latest comedy article has been posted at Absrdcomedy.  Please read, share and enjoy, and I'll see you in 2015!  http://www.absrdcomedy.com/2014/12/21/north-pole-email-hack-reveals-santa-claus-big-fat-idiot/

The "Screw it it's Christmas" Season

The holiday season is in full swing, and by that of course I mean the Christmas season.  Let’s face it, “happy holidays” is ridiculous, but not in the way people think.  It’s not waging war on Christmas, it’s paying lip service to other religions.  It’s our way of telling them they have a great personality because the popular one is getting all the attention and we don’t want them to feel bad.  And boy do we lavish attention on Christmas like it’s a slutty, barely-legal blonde.  For three solid months we spend, spend, spend, not just on presents, but on decorations, food, and Christmas cheer ranging from 5-12% alcohol by volume.  

But every holiday has it’s killjoys, and once again I am not talking about anything you could possibly be thinking of, so just stop trying.  Seriously, you’re embarrassing yourself, and you need to save that embarrassment for the office party.  The killjoys I speak of are the people who are trying to be “good.”  The ones who are watching what they eat and drink not because they are worried about their health, but because they think it’s wrong to use Christmas as an excuse to indulge their cravings.  Maybe they were raised to believe too much of a good thing by parents who got their wisdom from a page-a-day inspirational calendar, or maybe some kid in sixth grade called them a fatty and they never got over it.  The point is, it’s all bullshit.

Christmas is all about indulgence.  It’s Jesus’s birthday, and if you’re throwing a birthday party for the Son of God, you damn well better go all out.  Come new year’s eve you’re going to resolve to stop doing all the crap you’ve been doing all year anyway, so why hold back now?  Christmas is the ultimate “screw it” holiday, which is why January is so bleak and boring.  The universe has got you covered in terms of balance, so eat, drink and be merry!  

Happy Holidays! (no seriously, you’re awesome and any guy would be lucky to have you).  

It's Time For an Old-Fashioned Holiday Rant

Happy Thanksgiving!  Before you stuff your stomach with turkey and pumpkin pie, please enjoy this food for thought: http://www.bubblews.com/news/9543968-take-back-thanksgiving