What the %@#& Happened to Thanksgiving??

Seriously, what the FUCK happened?  Retailers are opening as early as 6pm on Thanksgiving, and some are open all day.  For weeks we’ve been fed an endless stream of Black Friday advertisements, radio spots, and TV commercials, all telling us that we’re invited to the biggest most awesome party of the year as soon as we get that annoying family thing out of the way.  I remember way back in simpler times (2007) most stores were CLOSED on Thanksgiving, Black Friday began at 6am the next day, and everybody was just fine with that.  But then one day several years ago, in some executive boardroom where the monthly booze-and-hooker meeting was taking place, a bunch of executives hatched a plan…

EXEC #1: Y’know guys, Black Friday is coming up.  What if instead of opening at 6am, we open the doors at 12am?

EXEC #2: Great idea!  But why stop at 12am? Why not 6pm?

CEO: 6pm Thursday night?  Do you really think we can convince people to run out and shop right after they finish Thanksgiving dinner?

EXEC #2: Sure we can!  We’ll just have to build up to it.  This year we announce that we’ll open at midnight, and bombard the public with a really loud, relentless campaign that convinces everyone that if they miss our amazing deals of a lifetime they’ll be stuck buying lousy gifts and their families will hate them and blame them for ruining Christmas.  Then next year we’ll do the same thing, only we’ll open at 11pm.  The year after that we move the opening to 10pm, and so on.

CEO: Okay, but still…6pm?  And won’t people start to notice that these “amazing deals of a lifetime” really aren’t any better than the sales we have all year round, and will continue to have up until Christmas? 

EXEC #2: They never have before, so I doubt they’ll start anytime soon.  Besides, by the time we start opening at 6pm people will be so conditioned to shop on Thanksgiving Day that they’ll actually feel entitled to it, and raise holy hell if anyone tries to push it back to Friday.  

CEO: And you’re sure we’ll make lots of money? 

EXEC #1: Of course!  It’s a simple equation.  More hours equals more money!  Besides, it’s not like we’ll be working that day.

CEO:  Let’s do it!  Would you care for another scotch, Jim?

EXEC #2:  No thanks, I have to get going.  I have to stop by the pet shop on the way home.  Those puppies aren’t going to kick themselves. 

But as bad as Big Business is, what’s even worse is how willingly Americans buy into this whole line of bullshit.  Every time I read an article that implies Black Friday has gone too far, I find myself reading the same asinine comments over and over again.  It’s been pissing me off for a few days now, to the point where I found myself muttering angrily in the supermarket, and I noticed a nervous mother steering her child away from me, so I figure I’d better get it off my chest.

“Wah wahh, poor guy has to actually work for a living.  If you don’t like it, quit!  There are plenty of people out of work who’ll gladly take your job.  Stop whining you loser!  Wah wahhhh!! ”  Since you seem to have to maturity of a ten year old, I’ll put this in terms a ten year old can understand.  Say another kid offers you money to eat whatever he tells you to.  At first he says, “Eat broccoli.”  Then “eat dog food.”  Then “eat bugs.”  Then “eat my shit with a piss chaser.”  You feel this has gone too far, but still offer to eat his shit minus the piss chaser, and he replies, “NO!  You have to eat my shit AND drink my piss!  I paid you so you have to do what I say!”  

Having a job doesn’t mean the people who pay you have the right to treat you however the fuck they want.  If it did, you wouldn’t have such things like minimum wage and worker’s comp.  There’s only so much shit you can eat before you have to draw the line, because if you drink that piss chaser, that other kid will realize that he owns your ass for life.  From that point on all you have to look forward to is being slowly beaten down until you become so jaded that you don’t think you deserve anything apart from what is dumped on you, and resent those who do. 

“When you take a job in retail, you should expect to work on Thanksgiving.”  Got into a car accident?  You should have expected that to happen when you decided to go driving.  Your sister drowned?  She should have expected that to happen when she went swimming.  Little Johnny chocked on a peanut?  He should have expected that to happen when he ate something.  Retail workers can expect to work all kinds of crazy shifts, evenings and weekends all year round.  This wouldn’t be an issue if Thanksgiving was just another day, but it’s not.  It is not a privilege reserved for the people who can take a four-day weekend because they made the “right” choices in life.  Thanksgiving is for ALL AMERICANS, regardless of race, religion, or income, to stop taking all the good things in their lives for granted and give thanks for them.  And it’s just for one day.  Why is that so much to ask?        

“Firefighters, nurses and police don’t get the holidays off, so why should you?”  These are necessary services.  Retail is not.  It’s too bad that some nurses, firefighters, and police have to work on Thanksgiving, but at least they can take some satisfaction in knowing that their presence could literally mean the difference between life and death.  What does a retail worker take satisfaction in by giving up their holiday?  Helping some stuck-up housewife find the perfect gift that says, “look what I got you, kids!  Don’t you wish I was your mother instead of the bitch your father divorced to marry me?”  Yeah, totally worth it.     

“Our troops overseas want to spend the holidays with their families too, but they’re not whining about it.”  I’m sure our troops would be thrilled to know that they’re risking their lives so that people can go shopping instead spending time with their families on an American holiday that celebrates American values.  Is attacking someone who wants a reasonable amount of time to observe this holiday instead of rushing through it because consumers just HAVE to have their Chinese-made crap in the middle of the night what passes for American values these days?  Implying that the sacrifices of our troops are on the same level as the sacrifices of retail workers is an insult.  It takes a special kind of prick to do this, so fuck you twice. 

“Big deal!  I’ve worked in retail for years and I never get the holidays off.  That’s just the way it is.  STFU and do your job or quit!”   I see you drank the piss chaser.  I’m so sorry.    

People, the madness has got to stop, and we have to be the ones to stop it.  I urge all of you who feel the way I do to boycott any store that opens earlier than 5am on Friday.  And by boycott, I mean do not shop there for the ENTIRE day, since retailers will gage the success of their early opening based on how many people shop there from open to close; if we stop showing up at midnight, the stores will stop opening at midnight.  Instead, use the time you were going to spend shopping to remind yourself what Thanksgiving is supposed to be about.  Call a friend you haven’t talked to in awhile.  Take the kids to the park.  Bring some cookies to your local hospital or fire station and tell them how much you appreciate what they do.  Write a Christmas card (or cards) to send to the servicemen overseas. 

Never forget, things can change if enough people take a stand.

Finally, if you are one those clueless twats who simply have to run out and shop before the leftovers are even cold, let me offer you some advice: whatever you do, don’t tell the cashier how awful it is that they have to work on Thanksgiving.  Remember that people like YOU are the reason people like THEM have to work.  Go ahead and snap at them, cuss them out, and look at your watch and sigh impatiently while they are bagging your purchase, but don’t offer them any phony-baloney sympathy, or risk being beaten to death with the register drawer. 

To everyone else: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!