Okay...Now What?

I lost my job last week. 

If you’ve ever lost a job, then you know exactly how I’m feeling right now.  If not, then think about your reaction to my opening sentence; did it take you by surprise, send a jolt through your body and leave you with a bunch of questions?  It’s like that, times a thousand.

For many people their job is a part of their identity, and losing that job is a major upheaval that leaves them with a gaping hole in their lives.  And as with any significant loss there is a grieving process, which is traditionally broken down into five stages:

1) Denial.  You walk around in a daze, trying to process what just happened.

2) Anger.  Mostly ranting.  How dare they toss you aside after all the blood, sweat, and tears you’ve poured into the company!  Who do they think they are??      

3) Bargaining.  You make a mental list of all the things you should have done differently, and swear you’ll do better if only you could find another job soon.

4) Depression.  Usually involves a bathrobe, a pile of pizza and Funions, and a DVR bursting with unwatched episodes of How I Met Your Mother.   

5) Acceptance.  What’s done is done.  You take a few minutes to remember your passwords for LinkedIn and Monster.com, and log onto the computer.

Everyone goes through these five basic stages when they suffer the loss of something dear to them, be it a parent, a home, or a TV show (seriously, I hear Firefly fans still hold candlelight vigils).  However, when you lose a job you go through a few extra stages between Denial and Acceptance:

6) Fantasy.  You imagine different scenarios where your boss begs you to come back, and you laugh in his face before peeling out on your flying motorcycle. 

7) Panic.  How will you buy food?  How are you going to keep the apartment?  These thoughts have you rationing coffee beans and selling childhood mementos on eBay.  

8) Insecurity.  You start seeing every accomplishment as proof you’re not a loser.  After all, could a loser change a flat tire or rescue a ladybug drowning in a puddle?  

9) Rationalizing.  You hated that job anyway.  Now you’re free to write that novel, or become the world’s first shark tamer/cowboy astronaut.  The sky’s the limit!   

10) Stalking.  You keep in touch with your former coworkers for a while, but that tapers off once you realize the job was the only thing you ever had in common.   

So a week into my new status as unemployed leech on society, I have covered less than half of these stages.  Grief has no time limit, but the length you can go without a steady paycheck does, so I have to skip straight to the Acceptance stage and deal with the other stages as they come.  Wish me luck, and if you or someone you know loves the Smurfs, there’s an awesome collection of ‘80’s figurines up for sale on eBay.